Jan 24 - Feb 20, 1994

About this blog

[14 years old]

Jan 24, [1994]

Last night, while I was praying, I asked my Father in Heaven to let me recognize what the spirit feels like. While I was asking, I felt overcome & I started to cry. Not much, but I did cry. I know now that I have a testimony of these things.
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Jan 30, [1994] Sunday
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Brother Teddingson went up & bore his testimony today. He spoke of how important it is to home teach. This great man sat up there crying & said how important it is not to weasel out of responsibilities, & I don’t think my dad even cared one bit.

Went to a fireside tonight. The Bishop spoke on how important it is to be moral & chaste. These are some tid-bits I got from it:
The spirit & body joined together are the soul. Just as someone harms the body it harms the soul. If someone harmed the spirit, as in – not being chaste, it destroys the soul. That’s why the Lord ranks immorality up with murder. They both destroy the soul. Also, the Lord paid for us; my soul is his, my body & spirit are his. The Lord wishes us to treat our bodies as if they are his, which they are, with holiness and respect.
He (the bishop) showed us a video about morality. They used the rapids of a river to explain the rules of morality. Don’t get close to the rapids, they will sweep you away. Stay around friends that share the same beliefs as you.
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Jan 31, [1994]
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PS
Dad said prayer at dinner.

Feb. 2, [1994]

I thought that seminary was fun & interesting today. At the beginning of class we were starting to memorize a scripture – D&C 130:1-4. While in the middle of it someone asked a question about it, then another & then it seemed that the whole classroom bombarded the teacher with questions that have been welled up in them for most of their lives with hope that a seminary teacher could answer all of them. We spent the whole class period talking about things such as patriartical blessings, why was there polygamy, why is there always many women married to one man & not many men married to one woman, homosexuals, is there a God above God, etc…

I didn’t say much. I sat back & relaxed & listened to everybody else talk. It was illuminating & fun.
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Feb 6, [1994]
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It is my prayer that me & my father will be able to go home teaching this week, and maybe we’ll have family home evening!!! I don’t remember ever that I had family home evening with my dad.

I found out that I wasn’t born in the covenant, but that I was sealed to my parents when I was very little. My little sister and brother were, but I wasn’t.
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Feb 7, [1994]
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I went off about my dad today to the seminary teachers while I was eating lunch with them. One of them said some things very friendly-like to me that might help the situation.

Dad, if you’re reading my journal, please know that I love you.

Feb 12, [1994]

There was a Valentines dance at the Stake Center tonight. I didn’t go.
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Feb 14, [1994] Valentines Day

No big Valentines, at all.
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It was getting pretty dangerous with my thoughts today.

Feb 16, [1994]
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I took a bath tonight. It was hard to overcome temptation. It seemed to be that I was going to give way, but I didn’t.

Feb 18, [1994]

Something happened today. All the torment of temptation was lifted from me, and the hard thing to comprehend is – I gave way, sorta. I don’t feel sorrow for what I did. I was expecting sorrow, but I feel peace.

Feb 20, [1994] Sunday

Revelation – There are many purposes for it, to uplift, to confirm, to constrain, to comfort, to reveal, & other things. I think this is what I experienced yesterday. I was comforted to know that I was trying my hardest to live the gospel.
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I do know someday that I will be called upon to administer to the affairs of the church & receive revelation. It tells me in my patriartical blessing.

Jan. 11-23 [1994]

About this blog

[14 years old]

Jan. 11, [1994]

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In Geography today we watched a movie that was in Spanish so the English words were spelled out at the bottom of the screen. This movie had considerable amount of swearing on it. I tried not to look but I caught a couple views of the words.

Jan. 14, [1994]

Another resolution down the drain. I sinned again today. 14 days into the year & I broke it. I only wish that the sorrow for my sins would last for the rest of my life so that I might not sin again. It was brought upon by being idol. Nothing to do. Right now I don’t know how I stand before the Lord.
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Jan. 15, [1994]

I think it has been 3 years that I have seriously been trying to repent of my sins.

I need help.
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Church tomorrow.

You know what would make me happy: To give up masturbation for 1 year, & then 2 years then for the rest of my life. To go on a mission, the years from last major offense is 3.

I’m not passing [the sacrament] tomorrow.

Dad needs to get a grip on home teaching. I want to go but he just says, “We’ll do it this month sometime.” Then he never goes. He’s dragging me down into sins of omission.

Jan. 16 [1994] Sunday
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Nobody asked me to pass the sacrament at all.

I guess I was pretty mad at my dad last night according to what I wrote down. I love him.

I was to let the person reading this now that at this time I’m having problems with masturbation, & at some future time when someone that knows me will not think any less of me or try to reenact my sins in their head. I want out of masturbation now.

I have been putting off reading the scriptures so often so that I can read the friendly & loving, yet chastening, words from the book “The Miracle of Forgiveness” by the prophet Spencer W. Kimball. He says that masturbation is serious enough to require sincere repentance.
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P.S.
Everybody needs spiritual food. We can judge how much the spirit influences us by starving ourselves of spiritual food, such as the need to go to church. When you don’t go to church you feel that something’s wrong. It’s because your spirit craves food of spiritual nature.
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Jan 21, [1994]
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I found out what a “steward” is. It’s someone or something that is put into the responsibilities of another; such as our bodies. We will render an account on our stewards at the day of judgment.

Jan 23, [1994] Sunday

Too much lately I’ve been aiming or one goal – to overcome my sins. But there is so much more than that. Baptism, Endowments, Mission, Marriage, Children. I’ve been too concerned about if I’m going to overcome. It’s time for a new goal. If I aim & have a new goal of eternal life, everything else will fall into place. EVERYTHING!

I’ve also worried too much on things that I have done in the past. All the heinous sins* that have been a part of most of my life need to be forgotten. It’s time to get on with my life. Repent & start my life instead of dwelling on the past. Start living.
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Everybody says, “Obey the voice that is in you, the still small voice.” I need to work on what the voice sounds like, or even if it doesn’t sound, what does it feel like. I don’t know if I have the voice with me & don’t know it, or if I had it so long that I don’t know what it feels like to not have it, or if I haven’t had it at all.

* [The “heinous sins” I was referring to was many instances of “sex-play” with various neighborhood boys my own age. It lasted from when I was around 9 years old to about 12, and all stopped when I became uber-active in the church around 13.]

About This Blog.

First…about me:

I grew up in Salt Lake City. Like the majority of people in Utah I was raised in the LDS church. I’m also gay.

I received a journal for Christmas sometime around 1994 when I started high school. At the time I was 14 and very committed to the church despite my sexuality. I started writing in the journal and the habit took. I kept a journal on and off through high school, my mission, and through 8 years of college where I attended BYU-Idaho and BYU.

Many things about me have changed in the years since I started keeping a journal: I’ve embraced my sexuality, came out to my family at the age of 28, have distanced myself from the church (inasmuch as that’s possible in Utah County) and now live with my wonderful boyfriend/fiancé in Orem, UT. I’m also happier than I ever thought I could be.

Second…about this blog:

This blog is meant for the many people who will probably never read it.

I offer this blog as evidence that I tried to live within the LDS church but found no warmth or solace there. That I strived to feel the confidence and surety that comes from absolute adherence but mostly felt the pain and self-loathing when I couldn’t live up to the standards. That no amount of prayer, fasting, scripture reading, council, therapy, or discipline could make me straight or offer me any reasonable or worthwhile comfort. And ultimately – that leaving the church has probably saved my life.

These journal entries are how I felt when the church mattered to me, NOT some recent construction. I hope that as I reread them, and post pertinent entries in this blog, that I will be able to understand more fully my journey and at the same time help others empathize with those other gay brothers and sisters who struggle and fail to find a place for themselves in the church.

Dear reader that never will be: Tell me – What else should I have done?

NOTE:
I will definitely create pseudonyms for the people that are mentioned in my journals. I also reserve the right to edit the journal entries of content not pertinent to the subject of this blog. I will try to stay as faithful to the original as I can.

Jan 6 - 10, 1994

Jan 6, [1994]  10:19 pm

I hope to be alive while the prophecies of the prophets about the latter days come true.  And I pray that I will be worthy to survive all the things of whitch are happening.

Normal day.  Today the snow was very very light.  It was still a littel warmer than usual.  Pep band tomarrow for Girls Basketball.  I had lunch over at the Seminary Building.  I'll go there from now on.

Jan 7, [1994]  11:40 pm

At 4th Red today, Mr. Hunt had us take a littel jont up to the computer lab, while I was up there waiting for Mr. Hunt to make up his mind, I saw a Jewish woman that works in the computer lab.  I looked at her & thought, "Beeing a Jew must be really strange."  but then I reminded myself that Jews are of the House of Israle & are my brothers & sisters.  Even tho most of them aren't Mormons, they will come to the condition of knowing that Jesus is their savior.  Mr. Hunt took us all the way upstairs for nothing.  He sent us back to the room.  Than man irritates me.  After school I came home for a littel bit until I had to go back to a basketball game at West. (I was in the pep band).  West lost.  I came home later than usual tonight because I went with Thomas & he had to pickup a sandwitch from Subway.  When I came home mom said, "Where have we been?"  She must think that I decided to walk home, or do drugs or something.

Jan 8, [1994]  10:47 pm

A preatty boreing day.  Went to the laundry mat with Eddie & Tim to play some video games.  I didn't play.  Last Night I left my trumpet in Thomas' car, he called me last nigh & told me he would be coming around today to give it to me.  I'm still waiting to this minet.  Tonight I was reading about the law of concecration, that when the saints lived in Missouri they tried liveing the concecration law.  But it was to hard for them so they were driven out of Missouri & were given the lesser law, the law of tithing.  Under the law of concecration, every body would live according to their needs.  Everything else that the saints wouldn't need would be put into a storehouse for the poor & needy.  Church tomarow at 1:00pm.

Jan 9, [1994]  10:25 pm  Sunday

Today after priesthood, they had an anouncement on there was going to be baptisims for the dead on April 26.  I need to prepare for this .  Lead music in priesthood today.  Thomas brought back my trumpet today.  I practiced a littel bit.  I snowed alot last night & today, about 4 inces.  During Sunday School today my mom was begining to give a lesson & then suddenly the window exploded in on us.  Somebody threw an ice ball at the window.  Class was posponed for a littel bit until we got it cleaned up.  I did half of my homework for tomarrow.

Richard Larsen came over with our new hometeaching roster.  Hope we can do it this time.

P.S.

I gay $5.00 in my offerings today $4 to tithing & $1 to the General Mishonary fund.

Jan 10, [1994]  9:58 pm

Went bowling today, I did horrible.  I think my best score was a 56.  Usual day.

There was a gas leek in Murry early tonight.  Checked out a book filled with "Renassance?" music.  I played some of it when I got home.  While I was waiting for the bus home today, I saw at least 4 diffrent people that were familliar to me smokeing around me.  Anne McClint was next to me & said, "It disgusting how many people smoke, espesially kids."

I hope Mr. Hunt does something tomarow because I'll be mad if I have to bring my trumpet over there again & do nothing with it.  I'll be doing something over there anyway if he dosen't do something, I have pep band practice.

Finished, 1st Nephi, starting 2nd Nephi.  Seminary tomarrow.