Jan. 11-23 [1994]

About this blog

[14 years old]

Jan. 11, [1994]

…
In Geography today we watched a movie that was in Spanish so the English words were spelled out at the bottom of the screen. This movie had considerable amount of swearing on it. I tried not to look but I caught a couple views of the words.

Jan. 14, [1994]

Another resolution down the drain. I sinned again today. 14 days into the year & I broke it. I only wish that the sorrow for my sins would last for the rest of my life so that I might not sin again. It was brought upon by being idol. Nothing to do. Right now I don’t know how I stand before the Lord.
…

Jan. 15, [1994]

I think it has been 3 years that I have seriously been trying to repent of my sins.

I need help.
…
Church tomorrow.

You know what would make me happy: To give up masturbation for 1 year, & then 2 years then for the rest of my life. To go on a mission, the years from last major offense is 3.

I’m not passing [the sacrament] tomorrow.

Dad needs to get a grip on home teaching. I want to go but he just says, “We’ll do it this month sometime.” Then he never goes. He’s dragging me down into sins of omission.

Jan. 16 [1994] Sunday
…
Nobody asked me to pass the sacrament at all.

I guess I was pretty mad at my dad last night according to what I wrote down. I love him.

I was to let the person reading this now that at this time I’m having problems with masturbation, & at some future time when someone that knows me will not think any less of me or try to reenact my sins in their head. I want out of masturbation now.

I have been putting off reading the scriptures so often so that I can read the friendly & loving, yet chastening, words from the book “The Miracle of Forgiveness” by the prophet Spencer W. Kimball. He says that masturbation is serious enough to require sincere repentance.
…
P.S.
Everybody needs spiritual food. We can judge how much the spirit influences us by starving ourselves of spiritual food, such as the need to go to church. When you don’t go to church you feel that something’s wrong. It’s because your spirit craves food of spiritual nature.
…

Jan 21, [1994]
…
I found out what a “steward” is. It’s someone or something that is put into the responsibilities of another; such as our bodies. We will render an account on our stewards at the day of judgment.

Jan 23, [1994] Sunday

Too much lately I’ve been aiming or one goal – to overcome my sins. But there is so much more than that. Baptism, Endowments, Mission, Marriage, Children. I’ve been too concerned about if I’m going to overcome. It’s time for a new goal. If I aim & have a new goal of eternal life, everything else will fall into place. EVERYTHING!

I’ve also worried too much on things that I have done in the past. All the heinous sins* that have been a part of most of my life need to be forgotten. It’s time to get on with my life. Repent & start my life instead of dwelling on the past. Start living.
…
Everybody says, “Obey the voice that is in you, the still small voice.” I need to work on what the voice sounds like, or even if it doesn’t sound, what does it feel like. I don’t know if I have the voice with me & don’t know it, or if I had it so long that I don’t know what it feels like to not have it, or if I haven’t had it at all.

* [The “heinous sins” I was referring to was many instances of “sex-play” with various neighborhood boys my own age. It lasted from when I was around 9 years old to about 12, and all stopped when I became uber-active in the church around 13.]