About This Blog.

First…about me:

I grew up in Salt Lake City. Like the majority of people in Utah I was raised in the LDS church. I’m also gay.

I received a journal for Christmas sometime around 1994 when I started high school. At the time I was 14 and very committed to the church despite my sexuality. I started writing in the journal and the habit took. I kept a journal on and off through high school, my mission, and through 8 years of college where I attended BYU-Idaho and BYU.

Many things about me have changed in the years since I started keeping a journal: I’ve embraced my sexuality, came out to my family at the age of 28, have distanced myself from the church (inasmuch as that’s possible in Utah County) and now live with my wonderful boyfriend/fiancé in Orem, UT. I’m also happier than I ever thought I could be.

Second…about this blog:

This blog is meant for the many people who will probably never read it.

I offer this blog as evidence that I tried to live within the LDS church but found no warmth or solace there. That I strived to feel the confidence and surety that comes from absolute adherence but mostly felt the pain and self-loathing when I couldn’t live up to the standards. That no amount of prayer, fasting, scripture reading, council, therapy, or discipline could make me straight or offer me any reasonable or worthwhile comfort. And ultimately – that leaving the church has probably saved my life.

These journal entries are how I felt when the church mattered to me, NOT some recent construction. I hope that as I reread them, and post pertinent entries in this blog, that I will be able to understand more fully my journey and at the same time help others empathize with those other gay brothers and sisters who struggle and fail to find a place for themselves in the church.

Dear reader that never will be: Tell me – What else should I have done?

NOTE:
I will definitely create pseudonyms for the people that are mentioned in my journals. I also reserve the right to edit the journal entries of content not pertinent to the subject of this blog. I will try to stay as faithful to the original as I can.